Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"   "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is
dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his  front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up
at the  vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with  a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back  on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and  strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably,  a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The  vet
shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my  word for it, the bill would 

have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

You know the drill ... if you're smiling, you must pass it on, give someone
else a smile too! Share the laughter ....

The New Priest

Author’s Note: As part of my ongoing series on the Vatican I thought this set of humorous stories are fraught with the dangers and temptations if not superficiality assailing young priests who venture forth into the world.

It is also a welcome break from my series, which I promise will be fascinating but hard hitting.

While the Parish priest was annoyed I’m sure that the faithful must have had a rollicking good time. Granted, one does not attend Mass to enjoy oneself. It is supposed to be a time of communication between the faithful and God. It is supposed to be an uplifting experience.

In these days of telegenic con men who have decided that Religion is their best racket yet, it must be frightening for a young, idealistic priest the first time he faces hundreds of faithful. What he does not realize, because few of his teachers in the seminary have revealed this, is that the faithful, most of whom are young folk themselves are thrilled to see someone their own age. Enough of those doddering, tired, and sometimes dispirited old men.

When I lived in Walnut Creek, California – I used to attend the Spanish services, because of the young priest. His passion for God and helping the plight of the down trodden was truly uplifting. A lot can be said for the influence of the Jesuits around the world (more on that in future missives). Now to the joke.


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the
water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and
took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found
the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of
him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off
his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he
said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say
'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.