How Can You Tell You're in Texas?

Answer:   Watch this video for clues.

Hell Explained by a Chemistry Student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle 's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle 's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over!

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

MICHELANGELO'S DAVID

After a two year visit to the United States,
Michelangelo's David is returning to Italy . .



















His proud Sponsors were:



Recent research has now determined that overuse of pesticides and fertilizers has led to a 30% reduction in the nutritional (lower vitamin and mineral levels) value of food grown in America and the way it is harvested before full ripeness to get it to the stores.

There's a lot that can be said for living in Italy and eating fruits and vegetables grown the old fashioned way - organically and supplied daily by small local farmers. I always wondered why many Italians bring their own food with them when they travel to America and other countries throughout the world - now I understand.

I concur with the Bossman, the Voice of the 20th century - Frank Sinatra who used to order his pesto alla Genovese, foccaccia di Recco, farinata and choice delicacies from Genoa. His mother Dolly was Genovese. He was known to many of the locals who often smiled and waved but rarely intruded.

While we are on the subject of extraordinary human beings, please remember the 11th of May on your calendar. The Postal Services of the United States are issuing a 42 cent stamp of Ole Blue Eyes. Super Cool!

Thanks to Sinatra, people the world over have a different attitude towards Italians. He pre-dated Gucci, Italian fashion, cuisine and Art. Because of him many people the world over have a softer outlook regarding the American people despite their warlike leaders.


The Upside of Being An Illegal Alien

I received the following letter from my father-in-law. You just have to love America ... and their creative solution to the illegal immigration problem.

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)


The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC , 20510


Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040.

FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY!

Cats on a treadmill

Who says you can't take your cat for a walk? Check out this cat's daily treadmill routine. Poor bloke. Personally I hate the bloody things. I much prefer a beautiful walk. What can top a sexy tango for exercise? I have never known anyone to drop dead whilst dancing the Tango. The list is endless of exercise and fitness buffs whose hearts and brains gave out in a beat, dropping like flies and biting the dust. Certainly they made for good looking corpses, but I haven't anything witty to say regarding their longevity. It is Brain not Brawn twits. 

Talking Dogs

Who says dogs can't talk? Watch this and be amazed. The trouble with dogs is that their voices are so cacophonous. Fray Paco would have given all of them a severe tongue lashing. Uncle Matthias strapped a wide suede piece around Rex , one of our German Shepherd's belly. He often rode on their backs this way. 

These dogs cackling, amazing in and of itself because most of us now know that they have the ability to mimic sound. They must be motivated by their owners. Dogs are affectionate animals. I searched for a wolf but I don't think any would ever be available. I doubt they would ever stoop to please a master, most are Masterless. That's the way they like it. Wolves are superb friends to have in the wild. They are loyal and intelligent. They don't tolerate pleasing a human just to please him. That's why I love them more. They are free and independent spirits. Of course they are predators, that is their calling. 

Which is not to say I am not fond of dogs. I have had quite a few since childhood.I used to communicate with Dvorak, my Komondor without speaking. Yes! he could read my mind. Any man I found overbearing and drunk, Dvorak would tear off the cuffs of their trousers. If you have ever seen a 130 pound Komondor, one meter high covered in curly  white wool with canine teeth like scissors, you would sober up pronto. In the steppes of Pushta, Komondors guard sheep and horses against bears. Wager on the Komondor. They usually win their battles against bears who would dare to attack their sheep and horses and cattle entrusted to them.

How The Butterfly Destroyed my Roof

I hope this doesn't happen to you. Just a series of ugly coincidences? Timing? Don't you believe it. There is Karma here somewhere. Butterflies live such brief but oh! so glorious ones. The Creator designated this one to carry out a series of ''accidentally on purpose" series of potential tragedies. Thankfully no one was  hurt when his roof collapsed. What a warning from the Gods. I can't help thinking that houses in America are done with saliva and is-you is- or-is -you ain't good stuff for my roof. I would defintely take a very close look at my life. 

Outsourcing

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. You need to laugh once in a while, even if the events passing before our eyes are all true. It will not be funny if it should happen to us. Laughter is good for the brain cells. This will fortify you for what is to come in my next essay.

A Stunning Senior Moment

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one', the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. The young people of today grew up with;
Television
Jet planes
Space travel
Man walking on the moon
Our space probes have visited Mars
We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars
Cell phones
Computers with light-speed processing...and more.'

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:
'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'
The applause was amazing.......

Political Humor

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD???

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken
wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MCCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to
engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side
of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the
road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from
Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves
to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after
the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems
before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from
his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his
life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either
against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It
was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped
to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's
why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And
if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That
chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as
that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, th e heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is
much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Don't Try This At Home

A guy who purchased his Lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, Pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of Electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the Face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses Perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser In another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at This little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in Circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A Batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...? I'm Sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to Say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny Little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one Second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, Pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears In my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

Author's Note: There are countless stories about how the police are now using tasers on people of all ages, including school children.

Serenity

Letter from John Cleese

USA: Under New Ownership
Written by John Cleese and very good!

Now they've done it............We are Repossessed.................

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese

To the Citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by
the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation
on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and
a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in
season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

God And the Scientist

I didn't write this -- but I agree with the sentiment.

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need
you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of
nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning.'"

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness
of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

( I love this)


"Get your own dirt."